I recently read a blog post (I wish I could remember who posted it so I could link it!**UPDATE: Found it! Click HERE) in which the writer confessed that she had not written anything in four months. She was ashamed. She was frustrated. She questioned whether she was a writer at all.

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Well, I have written a bit in the last four months, but not a whole lot, and my newest novel, “Men Waiting For Sleep,” has been sitting untouched in a drawer for more than six months.

Yesterday, I had a writer-breakdown of sorts. When you are marketing a self-published book, you are constantly pushing that book to everyone you can get to listen, and if you’re anything like me, you’ll feel like Sisyphus pushing that boulder uphill. I was just tired. Still am. Writing has become a chore, since I do it as my full time job and as my “passion,” which I have been increasingly less passionate about as of late.

Does this mean I’m not a writer anymore?

Hardly.

A good writer knows he or she can’t simply give it up. It’s not a hobby. It’s an instinctive action, and it will never go away. In that sense, I am deeply pleased to know it’s in my DNA; I’m also increasingly frustrated and sad because I see how little earning potential is associated with this talent of mine.

In a previous blog post, I mentioned I am also a photographer. I have been a high school English teacher in the past, as well as a bicycle mechanic.

All low paying jobs, for the most part. Sure, there’s some earning potential, but for the most part, you’re not buying that mansion in Bel-Air anytime soon. I don’t want a mansion. Don’t want the fancy car, or the massive swimming pool. But I do want to be able to pay rent and buy groceries in the same week. I would love to see what a savings account looks like. And boy, wouldn’t I just love to have dinner and a beer without having to worry if my checking account can handle it!

Me?

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This is a typical writer’s gripe, but here’s where things get sticky: if I am a writer who doesn’t write, am I just a marketer? and if I give up on my (currently) mid-list novel, am I just a failed writer with a blog?

Identity.

That’s what this all boils down to, and I can tell you exactly why it’s on my mind.

Since “Confusing the Seasons” came out in March, the interest has been generally positive but limited. To be expected, of course. What’s bothering me is the reaction from some people who have no idea what they are saying is completely insulting to me as a writer.

I never thought of myself as a failure, or a lesser member of society, yet I think the general public might, in some cases.

Here’s a few examples of reactions that, superficially, do not seem insulting. But read into them a bit more…

Example 1:

“You wrote a book? That’s so cool. I don’t really read, though. Haven’t read a book since high school.”

Interpretation:

Okay, this isn’t meant to be a slight, but if you are reading this and have had this phrase pass through your lips, please understand it is insulting to a writer. It’s like saying the craft of writing is no longer valuable, and you haven’t cared enough about it since high school to try it out. And the “That’s so cool” part is nice, but patronizing to a degree. You make it sound like we writers just made an impressive poop and managed to get it all in the toilet—no more diapers for us!

Example 2:

“How are the book sales going? (Said with a barely disguised snicker)

Interpretation:

You know how the book sales or going. You just want me, the writer, to validate how poor of a career choice I have made. Besides: this information is none of your business. I don’t ask you how much you get paid for working at that computer company. Why would you ask me how much I am making?

Oh, and we’re writers. We recognize contempt and condescension when we see it. Be careful: you might end up a character in our books.

Example 3:

“So what’s your book about?”

Interpretation:

This is only mildly insulting when a copy of the book is sitting right in front of you. Read the back cover. I spent a lot of time writing that synopsis carefully so I wouldn’t have to answer questions like, “So what’s your book about?” It will take you two seconds to read the back. If you want to read the book after that, great! If you don’t, you will not have wasted your time listening to me struggle through an awkward question, and I will not have had to waste time talking to a non-customer. Chances are I like you…but I like selling books more.

5 THINGS —SOLUTIONS:

I sound bitter, and to an extent, I am. Like I said, I had a bad existential day yesterday. Wouldn’t say I’m past it, either. That’s why I’m writing this: catharsis. So, my list of solutions is below, and they are solutions I seriously need to consider for myself. Maybe you do, too.

1) Have a sense of humor. The people I mentioned above were mostly friendly people and had no idea they were being insulting. Laugh with them and enjoy the interaction. We are, after all, writers, and we DON’T make a lot of money, and people generally DON’T read much these days. Who knows…maybe you can get some material out of it.

2) Write blogs WITHOUT being insulting to potential customers. This post is an indulgence because I needed it; in general, it’s a bad idea to insult potential customers and tell everyone how much everything sucks. This type of blog post is rare, but sometimes necessary, which brings me to my next point:

3) Catharsis. Find it. Do what you have to do to vent. Put the pen down, walk away, get a part time job as a bagger at a grocery store, start a fist fight at a bar, kiss a midget…whatever gets your goat. Have some fun, relax, try to grow a garden in your back yard instead of ulcers in your stomach. I am incredibly guilty of avoiding this; I turn everything into a chore, a bullet point on a to-do list. Get out of the house or office, take a walk, grab a beer for lunch. You will be more likely to get creative if you’re relaxed, and you’ll be less insufferable for the people around you.

4) Don’t self-publish. Hey, it’s not for everyone, and just about all industry folks will tell you that. You’ve got a great book you say? Agents are ignoring you? Publishers are too short-sighed to see your genius? Perhaps! That still does not make you right for self-publishing. Wanna know what self-publishing is like? I can tell you:

• Expect to read your book over and over and over again.
• Expect to write less.
• Expect to research marketing techniques endlessly.
• Expect to hear the word “NO” even more than you heard it when you were querying agents for ten years.
• Expect to sit at a table in a bookstore as customers avoid you because they just don’t care about you and your book.
• Expect to read to very full bar rooms, and expect that none of the patrons will be listening to you (this happened to me last week).
• Expect small results, if any.
• Expect to give a lot of stuff away for free.
• Expect headaches, frustration, and the occasional joy when someone reads your book and loves it.
• Expect to continue this ridiculous path because of that occasional joy.
• Expect to embrace the occasional joy, or lose joy altogether.

That’s self-publishing. You’re a businessman who writes sometimes, rather than a writer who does business sometimes. Get used to that idea.

5) Surround yourself with good, supportive people. I put this point last because it is sometimes the most difficult solution. There are people who don’t read, who will ridicule you for writing, who will ask those insulting questions, who will ignore you altogether. Who cares? Does your wife love you? My wife does. Does she support you and encourage you? My wife does. Do your parents love and support (and sometimes bankroll) you? Mine do. How about your neighbor Bill? Or your best friend Sarah? Or your neighbor’s kid’s soccer coach who likes to read? How about those book clubs?

Those are the people you need in your life, because you will want to give up. I promise you that. It will happen monthly, weekly, maybe even daily. When it does, you will say to the world, “I give up! I want to stop!” And your wife, your parents, your endlessly patient best friend Sarah, and that soccer coach will all collectively say, “Why?”

Goddamn, they have a point, don’t they?

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