This isn’t actually a holiday story. In fact, Christmas carols get mentioned, and that’s really the only thing that makes it even remotely holiday-related. But it’s a good story. I read this at a group reading in Flagstaff, AZ a few years ago; it helps to read this while envisioning a New York accent coming from the narrator’s mouth.
Tom’s Sweaty Headphones
By Dan Cavallari
Growing up has got to be about the dumbest thing a person can do. I know, I know…I guess I didn’t even really believe that, neither. Not until I met Tom, and boy, Tom would know. I’d be lyin’ if I said I knew the guy good, but from what I could tell, I’d be willin’ to bet if he had it to do all over again, he’d just stay a kid. Most people would say that’s impossible, but really, it ain’t that impossible. Okay, so your body would have to grow, but who says you have to grow up in the brain? Or in the heart? They put people like that away in the crazy house or in jail if they’re so kid-like that they don’t even know they’re hurtin’ someone, but Tom wasn’t like that. Tom turned into an adult, but one day he just decided it was better to be a kid. So maybe he didn’t exactly go back to bein’ a kid, but he figured out step one, got himself to the first slob on the line, like we say down at the factory. Yeah, you’re not believin’ me, I can see that, but I know why. It’s simple: you’re jealous. If you could do it, too, you would. I know I would.